Porno Holocaust (1981)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Warning: This review contains graphic descriptions of sex

 

 

 

AKA: Sex Killer: Mutant Overgrown Man-Child, Orgasmo Nero II - Insel der Zombies

 

 

Dir: Joe D'Amato

 

 

Starring: Mark Shannon, George Eastman, Dirce Funari, Annj Goren

 

 



The early 1980s was certainly a unique time for film; one we’re unlikely to experience anything of it’s like again. I mean, when else could a movie like Porno Holocaust possibly be made?

The second instalment in my Joe D’Amato season is a sleazy cocktail of gore-filled horror and hardcore pornography that only signor Massaccesi could dream up. It’s a film I simply find fascinating in a rather bizarre way. Probably because this is a movie very much of its time; something that one could not possibly comprehend existing in today’s world.

Italian porn star Mark Shannon heads up a team of scientists (George Eastman, Dirce Funari and Annj Goren) who take a trip to a remote Caribbean island to investigate suspected effects of radiation pollution. Once there however, they are stalked by a vicious mutated zombie who begins picking off members of their expedition one-by-one.

 



Of course, this synopsis of the movie’s plot doesn’t account for the many scenes of hardcore sex that occur throughout. It’s this unique cross-over of pornography and horror that’s the films major attraction for me.  Modern day porn is so formulaic; its producers wouldn’t dare propose an idea like this. This would all be academic if the horror elements didn’t deliver, but, though not perfect, it works. The gore set pieces and the monster’s make-up effects aren’t phoned in as you might expect. It seems there was a genuine effort made to make the horror elements convincing. 

 

The flip side to the porn/horror crossover is that this is probably not an ideal movie for porn lovers. The jump from the erotic to the grotesque would be quite off-putting if you were simply watching this movie for arousal. But then again that’s the great thing about Porno Holocaust: it can’t be pigeon holed. 

 

Another bone of contention with critics of this film – one that I’m inclined to agree with – is the length of its running time. Porno Holocaust clocks in at just short of two hours. That’s an awful lot of time to spend on a story that involves people fucking on an island and being bumped off by a zombie! Though I personally didn’t find the film boring, I did have to stop myself checking the clock at times.

 

Many of these Italian exploitation films can be for the most part forgettable, but they often contain a scene(s) that will stick in your mind after the film has finished. This might be a nice gory special effect, a really gross moment or just something downright bizarre. In Porno Holocaust such a scene arrives around the half-way point, and it involves the monster sticking it’s erect zombified penis into the mouth of a woman and killing her with it’s toxic semen! Wow.

Porno Holocaust will probably bore a lot of people with its bare-bones story, plodding pace and over-long running time but it’s interesting if you’re looking for something a bit more ‘out there’ from the usual sexploitation stuff.

 

 

 

Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals (1977)

 

Warning: This review contains spoilers, nudity and scenes of bloody violence

 

 

AKA: Emanuelle e gli ultimi cannibali

 

Dir: Joe D'Amato

 

Starring: Laura Gemser, Gabriele Tinti, Neives Navarro, Donald O'Brien, Monica Zanchi

 

 



I’ve watched a lot of Joe D’Amato films recently, so I got the idea to dedicate a brief series of reviews to some of his (IMHO, that is) best works. D’Amato is one of the greatest exploitation directors, and certainly one of the most prolific, having made over a hundred films. He’s probably best remembered for his sexploitation flicks, most notably the Black Emanuelle films starring Laura Gemser, but D’Amato did also dabble in his fair share of horror and Giallo movies too – not to mention some quite innovative crossovers between hardcore porn and horror. Let’s kick off this series then with one of those crossover movies, the cannibal/sexploitation hybrid that is Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals.

Like Cannibal Ferox (1981) this movie starts off oddly in the urban jungle of New York rather than the conventional jungles of South America. Our intrepid protagonist Emanuelle is undercover at a psychiatric hospital hoping for a juicy story. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s exactly what she finds as all hell starts to break loose; a nurse runs, terrified, through the clinic, blood gushing everywhere. One of the patients got a bit peckish, it seems, and took a bite out of the nurse’s breast!  

After the patient (Dirce Funari) is restrained, we discover, before she ended up here, she was a captive a tribe of cannibals living deep in the Amazon jungle. While everyone’s asleep, Emanuelle sneaks into the patient’s room to get a better look. Snapping away with her camera, disguised as a doll, she discovers a weird tattoo above the patients, uh, ‘pubic area’. And in case you didn’t realise what type of movie this was right away, the patient is of course not wearing any underwear. What a surprise.

Back at her office, Emanuelle shows the snaps to her editor. Convinced there’s a hot story here (no pun intended) she tries to convince him to let her organise an expedition to the Amazon to find this tribe of cannibals known as the Apiacas. He agrees but only if she can find an anthropologist to come with her, you know, to fuck along way.  The lucky stud is Professor Mark Lester (Gabriele Tinti) who hits it off with Emanuelle right away. He invites her back to his pad to show her ... uh, a guy getting his dick cut off! Nice, way to kill the mood there Mark. Yeah that’s right; Mark shows Emanuelle some documentary footage of cannibals in Africa castrating a victim, which conveniently zooms in to show us the gory details. He explains to her that it is part of some sort of tribal ritual. But enough plot development for now, let’s get down to our first sex scene. And what better way to end a first date than a quick shag underneath a pier. And they say romance is dead.

If that was all a bit too brief for you, fear not, there’s another sex scene ‘round the corner, shown in flashback as our happy couple head to the airport. Did I ever mention how gorgeous Laura Gemser is by the way? Mark and Emauelle then hop on a plane and before you can say 'Mountain of the Cannibal God' they reach their destination.  The pair are greeted by an old friend of Mark’s, Wilkes, and his daughter Isabelle (Monica Zanchi).  Wilkes suggests that Mark track down Father Morales, who has been living amongst the natives for years. But I’m a little tired after that long flight, show me another sex scene. Well you’re in luck, because Mark and Emanuelle once again start making the beast with two backs. Only this time the lovely Isabelle is watching in.

 

 

Come the morning, the expedition heads out into the jungle to find Father Morales. After a long boat ride, it’s time for our lascivious female lead to cool off a bit. And this is my favourite part of the whole movie. No it’s not Laura Gemser and Monica Zanchi, both naked, washing each other – a close second! – it’s the random chimpanzee that shows up and starts puffing away on a cigarette! Don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen that in a movie before. Better cut down there Dunston, that’ll stunt your growth. In all seriousness, I’m very impressed with the way he handled that lighter. I’m even prepared to overlook the slight inaccuracy that there are no chimps in the Amazon because I liked this scene so much.

 

Well I enjoyed that, but the plot must go on. Emanuelle’s been a bit quiet lately, that is until she’s attacked by an enormous python! But if I know these cannibal movies (and I’ve seen WAY too many than I should) and how they treat animals I’d be worried for the snake right now. And sure enough, the poor reptile gets a bullet through the head. The shot was fired by Donald McKenzie (Donald O’Brien) who allows the expedition to stay at his camp. However, Donald reveals the horrific fate of Father Morales’ mission. Turns out the padre got on the wrong side of the natives and they had him for lunch along with his followers. This is particularly upsetting news for Sister Angela, who has been tagging along. But no time to grieve, on with the movie.

  

 Our motley crew arrive at the McKenzie’s camp and Donald introduces them to his wife Maggie (the ravishing Nieves Navarro), as well as their muscular guide Salvador. Donald’s a hunter and the kind of brute who hunts exotic animals just for the hell of it, or to make up for some sort of inadequacy. Would you know it, it’s the latter as he fails to satisfy his horny wife in the bedroom. Instead, Maggie goes off with Salvador to get her rocks off. Despite their problems, something’s keeping them together. More on that later.

The next morning, our heroes are confronted with some bad news: their canoe is gone and so is the McKenzie’s. Even if they wanted to they can’t turn back now so they move on, with the bickering couple in tow.  I’m starting to get bored, where the hell are the cannibals?! We’ll get to them soon, but first we pause as Donald tries to cop a feel for Monica Zanchi. Of course she doesn’t take too kindly to this and Mark intervenes and lays the smack down on Donald. It’s worth reminding everyone at this point that the film is called Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals but it’s been over an hour and we haven’t seen any cannibals and Laura Gemser’s been pretty anonymous since the movie left New York.

 

Alright, you want action? Well here it comes, as poor Sister Angela is abducted by the cannibals. They tie her to a tree, gut her and slice off one of her breasts! Yikes, that was almost worth the wait. Our heroes go in search of Sister Angela and Donald makes an interesting discovery. He finds the remains of a plane crash including a bag full of diamonds. Turns out that’s what he and Maggie were doing out here in the first place. They’re so delighted that they start making love right there and then, only for the cannibals to show up and take them both hostage. Isabelle is also captured, but Mark and Emanuelle manage to escape.

 

The cannibals take their hostages to their camp and perform a ritual sacrifice on Donald and Maggie. Mark and Emanuelle witness this horror from a safe distance but for some reason do nothing to prevent it. The cannibals have something else in mind for poor Isabella though.  They lay her on the floor naked and several of the male natives begin to rape her – I don’t know, some kind of savage ritual. Emanuelle comes up with a bright idea: she emerges naked from the water, attempting to mimic the Apiacas’ Goddess of the Water. This distracts the cannibals and allows Isabelle to escape. The three manage to retrieve their canoe and head back to civilisation. Emanuelle has her ‘scoop of the century’.

 

Emanuelle and theLast Cannibals is one of D’Amato’s better attempts at the cross-genre movie. Fans of the Italian Cannibal sub-genre will find it tedious, but it’s a decent jungle adventure film with a couple of early sex scenes, and there are some pretty cool gore set-pieces which are just about worth waiting for. Despite it being titled as an Emanuelle film, Laura Gemser, as mentioned, takes a back seat for most of the films middle act but is as playful as ever in the opening scenes. Of course, if that doesn’t take your fancy, hello, smoking monkey!

Anthropophagus (1980)

 

WARNING: This review contains SPOILERS and scenes of bloody violence

 

AKA: Grim Reaper

Dir: Joe D'Amato

Starring: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Serena Grandi, Mark Bodin, George Eastman, Zora Kerova. 

A gory classic. Prolific Italian sexploitation peddler Joe D’Amato (aka Aristide Massaccesi) created a cult classic with his first attempt at an exclusively horror-minded film. Although he was no newcomer to horror, his previous efforts tended to mix porn with horror, with the former tending to dominate (e.g. Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, Love Goddess of the Cannibals and Porno Holocaust – see what I mean!) Unfortunately, Antropophagus (aka Grim Reaper) gained notoriety in Britain as it became a Video Nasty after it ended up on the DPP’s most wanted list. But that probably added to the cult surrounding the film.

The film opens with a German couple holidaying on a Mediterranean island who meet a grisly end (this scene also features a shameless rip off of Jaws). We then meet Julie, played by Tisa Farrow (Zombie Flesh Eaters [1979]) who hitches a ride to the island with a group of friends including pregnant Maggie (Vanessa Steiger aka Serena Grandi) and Clairvoyant Carol (Zora Kerova of Cannibal Ferox [1981]). On the journey, Maggie asks Carol to tell her fortune but Carol foresees something terrible in the group’s future. Once they land, the group discover that island is deserted; all the residents appear to have disappeared without a trace. As the group spend the night in the deserted town they begin to be stalked by a sadistic killer with a taste for human flesh who starts to pick them off one by one. Can any of them survive?

 

As gory as this film is – and we’ll get onto that later – it’s also very suspenseful too. The deserted island is very creepy and there are several moments to make the audience jump out of their seats. George Eastman (aka Luigi Montefiori, also the films writer) gives a great performance as the iconic cannibalistic madman stalking the island. The acting is pretty decent for this type of film and the characters are a pretty likeable bunch. D’Amato used to be a cinematographer, and he demonstrates this throughout; the scenery of the island is captured beautifully.

But now, we didn’t tune into an Italian exploitation flick for the lovely scenery though, did we? We came to see some blood and boy is there plenty on show here. Some of the most ultra-violent and disgusting gore sequences ever filmed can be found in this film. The scene that is most remembered, and probably what got the film into hot water with the censor, is where Eastman rips Maggie’s unborn foetus from her womb and proceeds to chow down. Yum!

My only flaw with this film is that it makes an attempt at a back story for Eastman’s monster, about how he was forced to eat his wife and son after being trapped out at sea in a lifeboat. My problem is that this wasn’t fleshed out more. It barely takes up three minutes of the film and it would’ve provided a bit of interesting exposition if gone into more detail. You’d have thought that, since he wrote the damn film, that Eastman (Erotic Nights of the Living Dead [1980])would want to spend a little bit more time on his own character, but sadly no.

Overall I think Anthropophagus is a very scary horror film and will interest more people than just the gore-hounds. I’ve heard others remark that the film is boring, but I disagree with this; it’s fairly short and there’s plenty going on to keep you interested. Maybe they were referring to the cut version, of which I have seen, and it’s worse than torture to sit through. Seriously, all the gore is left out; it’s like watching a musical with all the songs missing!

 

Although initially banned under the Video Recordings Act (1984) Antropophagus is now available on DVD in the UK under the Grim Reaper title after it was resubmitted to the BBFC and approved. Unfortunately, some clever sod (read: idiot) resubmitted the CUT version (see above) so if you’re looking to buy this movie be sure you get a hold of the uncut release. 

 

Delirium (1979)

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS

 

AKA: Psycho Puppet

Dir: Peter Maris

Starring: Turk Cekovsky, Debi Chaney, Terry TenBroek, Barron Winchester, Bob Winters, Nick Panouzis. 

Take a squat, bald Vietnam War veteran vigilante; a psycho killer; a couple of un-professional, doltish cops; add an undercurrent of misogyny and play along to the tune from Mastermind and you have Delirium.

Peter Maris’ Delirium(aka Psycho Puppet) is another of those just-above-interesting-enough Video Nasties that isn’t very ‘nasty’ after all. It’s no different to a multitude of psycho/cop/vigilante thrillers that clogged the American drive-in scene in the late Seventies. I’ll elaborate more on it’s status as a Nasty later, but first here’s what happens.

Judge, jury and executioner: Barron Winchester as Stern.

Susan Norcross (Debi Chaney) comes home to her apartment one evening to find her roommate brutally murdered. The police – when they’re not trying to get into Susan’s pants – go on the hunt for the killer, who we find out is Vietnam vet Charlie. Charlie, haunted by flashbacks of combat and sexual inadequacy, goes on the lamb, killing anyone who unfortunately happens to cross his path. Meanwhile a group of ex-soldiers have formed a vigilante group where they employ their own brand of ‘justice’. The group’s leader, Stern (Barron Winchester), orders the capture of Charlie before the police do, but their efforts are fruitless and lead to squabbles and infighting. With no leads the cops become frustrated until Susan starts suspecting her boss (Bob Winters) is up to no good. When Stern hears of this he orders Susan to be killed and the blame put on Charlie. Little does Stern know that Charlie has been killed and Susan narrowly escapes assassination. The police close in on Stern and co. who don’t fancy going quietly. A bloody shoot ensues and Stern meets a bullet-riddled end.

Delirium has many flaws but is one of those films that, in more capable hands, could’ve turned out well. I won’t get hung up on acting or budgetary constraints as these are part of the course with these kind of films. However, the story, though quite an interesting idea, turns boring because the film tends to focus more on the less interesting parts and neglect the most effective strand. Stern and the vigilante court are given top billing in many of the film’s synopses but actually plays third fiddle to the police investigation and Charlie’s killing spree. If Delirium had gone down the vigilante route it would’ve been a better film. This strand of the story has many possibilities such as a political statement about the Vietnam War and a chance to flesh out some complex characters.

Instead the film focuses mainly on the police investigation which turns out to be far from riveting. For most of the film, we follow detectives Dollinger (Turk Cekovdky) and Mead (Terry TenBroek) as they encounter dead end after dead end after dead end. It seems every time we join these two plods they’ve come up with no leads at all and yet the film still feels the need to follow their efforts despite turning up nothing each and every time.

The other strand of the story is Charlie’s murderous rampage. Although more interesting than the endeavours of Dollinger and Mead, the problem is that the strand goes nowhere. Charlie is bumped off half way through the film and you just feel that the time spent following him has been wasted.

Delirium’s muddled narrative suggests to me a film struggling with an identity crisis. It doesn’t know if it wants to be the Vietnam vigilante movie of the general synopsis, a police murder investigation or a slasher. Instead it is a mix of all three but fails to get it’s priorities straight.

Another problem I have with Delirium is an undertone of misogyny that inhabits the film. I’ll start with the buddy cops who seem to feel no guilt in trying to chat up a woman right after she’s found her best friend impaled on a spear! They also engage in demeaning banter behind her back like a couple of horny teenage boys and patronise her – “who does she think she is, Dick Tracey?” – even though she comes up with more leads in the case than they do! Then we have Charlie, whose victims are, yes, mostly female. During the many flashbacks, it’s implied that the source of Charlie’s anger is down to girls laughing at the size of his pecker. You’d think seeing his buddy’s blown to bits would trigger such blind rage, but no.

Detectives Dollinger and Mead: Douchebags.

It’s also fun to point out some other hilarious flaws in this film. Charlie meets Susan’s roommate after he turns up for a job interview, next thing you know they’re going on a date. So let me get this straight, a man who looks like a psychopath walks into the office and then the secretary suddenly wants to have sex with him?! Yeah right, pull the other one! Then we have the hitchhiker who, before being strangled by Charlie, decides to strip off in front of him and take a dip in the lake, despite only meeting him 2 minutes before! What is it with this guy? We also have a very familiar score. ‘Approaching menace’ is stock music better known as the theme from Mastermind. This makes the film seem a bit of a joke to UK audiences. Insert your own, “I’ve started so I’ll finish joke”here.

 

 

Reassessment of Delirium reveals that it’s status as a Nasty is dubious at best. There are one or two scenes of gore including Charlie stabbing a girl through the neck with a pitch fork and hacking a man’s arm off with a meat cleaver but that’s about it. It’s always the same questions I find myself asking: what makes this film different from the dozens of similar films of the time and who really deemed this offensive and why? These are questions that can be raised against many of the Nasties; whereas Cannibal Holocaust and I Spit on your Grave were bound to illicit controversy, Delirium just doesn’t stand out as an obvious choice to ban under obscenity laws.

Combat shock: Charlie rampage comes to an end permaturally.

Delirium is a slightly above-average film. It’s OK. As mentioned above I did find it quite boring and it felt longer than it actually was as a result. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I wouldn’t have watched it if it wasn’t a Nasty, but I don’t think I’ll watch it again. I suppose it’s a good laugh to here that ‘Mastermind’score though.

Eaten Alive! (1980)

 

Warning: This review contains scenes of nudity and bloody violence

 

AKA: Mangaiti Vivi!

Dir: Umberto Lenzi

Starring: Robert Kerman, Janet Agren, Ivan Rassimov, Paola Senatore, Me Me Lai, Mel Ferrer.

 

In New York City, several murders are committed using darts laced with deadly cobra venom. The murderer is hit by a truck and police are unable to find any clues to his identity. They do, however, find some film footage with the name of Diana Morris (Senatore) engraved on it. The cops call in Diana’s sister, Sheila (Agren), who explains that she hasn’t heard from her sister in weeks. The footage shows Diana in the jungle taking part in some sort of strange ritual. Professor Carter (Ferrer) informs Sheila that what she saw in the footage was a ‘purification ritual’ performed by a cult in New Guinea.  Determined to find her sister and bring her home, Sheila sets off for New Guinea where she tracks down Mark Butler (Kerman) to help her. Mark is reluctant at first, but is soon persuaded by Sheila’s offer of $80,000. After days searching the jungle Mark and Sheila are taken in by the cult who are led by the messiah-like figure of Jonas (Rassimov). Jonas conducts his followers to perform strange rituals and obey his rules. Those who disobey his command are banished from the sect and left to wander in the jungle where a vicious cannibal tribe lurks. When Mark and Sheila catch up with Diana it’s revealed that Jonas maintains his followers’ obedience by forcing them to drink brainwashing liquids. The three of them, along with a native, escape the camp only to run into the cannibals on their way and when Jonas realises that his perfect colony might be under threat, he asks that his followers perform one final sacrifice.

 

Despite its glaring cover art and scenes of tribesmen feasting on human flesh, Eaten Alive doesn’t quite feel like a full blown cannibal movie. Indeed the cannibals are on the fringes of things for most of the movie and don’t really make their presence known until the final quarter of an hour. This is more of a jungle adventure movie and a parable about religious cults that just happens to feature some cannibals. Although it’s an enjoyable enough watch it’s also handicapped by some familiar scenes that have been borrowed from other films and that controversial and unnecessary hallmark of the genre: animal cruelty.

Eaten Alive! Sees Umberto Lenzi return to the jungle and it acts as a slight precursor to Cannibal Ferox, which was made a year later. However, the two films are very different. Ferox is the perfect movie for those looking for some serious gut-munching mayhem. Eaten Alive!, while it has its moments, is not a quintessential cannibal movie. Its main story is inspired by religious cults and particularly by the famous People’s Temple cult. The character of Jonas is meant to represent that cult’s notorious leader Jim Jones and the film resembles several elements of the famous Jonestown incident: the jungle location, the rule that members are forbidden to leave, the mass suicide. Like the Jonestown residents, Jonas’ cult members are forced to drink liquids laced with poison. However, unlike Jones, Jonas does not participate in the suicide – we’re left unaware of his fate, though.  Thanks to the emergence of Scientology into the mainstream via the patronage of several high-profile celebrities, Jim Jones and the People’s Temple are often forgotten about now when we think of religious sects. But it was a huge story in the late ‘70s and when Eaten Alive! was released in 1980 its allusion to the incident would’ve been instantly recognisable by most audiences. The film may also have taken inspiration from Apocalypse Now, which was released the previous year. 

Much like many other films in the cannibal sub-genre such as Lenzi’s own Man from Deep River and Cannibal Ferox; as well Ruggero Deodato’s Cannibal Holocaust and Sergio Martino’s Mountain of theCannibal God, Eaten Alive! feels the need to employ real scenes of animal cruelty and slaughter as shock value. This practice has understandably been condemned numerous times by critics of these films and I don’t want to touch on this subject too much here. I will say that I do not condone the needless killing of animals for entertainment and thankfully such practices do not exist in movies today. 

You like rock [music]? No, I like whiskey

Like the topic of animal cruelty, another aspect that is regrettable about this film is that not all the scenes are original; in fact they’ve been lifted from three other films. A large portion of footage is lifted from Martino’s Mountain of the Cannibal God, such as when one of the natives is attacked by a crocodile, a scene of castration by the cannibals, and most of the animal violence. Some scenes are also used from Man from Deep River and Deodato’s Last Cannibal World. This method of lifting parts from other movies can be put down to either laziness on Lenzi’s part or that he was hampered by such a tiny budget that he had to add the scenes as padding. 

 

Some familiar faces show up in Eaten Alive! Robert Kerman puts in another good performance in the lead role of Mark Butler. Unlike the more restrained role of Professor Harold Monroe in Cannibal Holocaust, Kerman looks to be having fun as the macho adventurer Mark. As well as Deodato’s classic, Kerman would also show up in a minor role in Lenzi’s Cannibal Ferox.

Swedish actor Janet Agren is also decent here as Sheila. She plays a type of southern belle in Eaten Alive and is quite a resourceful woman who can hold her own up against the brash Butler. Her quest to save her sister is noble but she’s terrified of the cannibals and, at one point, begs Mark to kill her before the natives do. A former model, Agren also features in Lucio Fulci’s City of the Living Dead and alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger in Red Sonja.

Ivan Rassimov is particularly menacing as Jonas. He is also a veteran of the cannibal movie, having starred in both Man from Deep River and Last Cannibal World. As is Me Me Lai, who has a minor role as a native woman who helps Mark, Sheila and Diana escape from the camp. Finally the very beautiful Paola Senatore will be familiar to fans of Joe D’Amato’s Nunsploitation film Images in a Convent.

"Their idea of lunch is fresh, hot entrails
 soaked in blood" - Jonas

Eaten Alive is a strange film because of the patchwork effort created by the aforementioned borrowed scenes. Of course, if you’ve not seen those other films, I guess you won’t notice anything untoward. You will feel let down though if you’re expecting anything like Cannibal Ferox. This movie isn’t at all bad by any stretch of the imagination and is good fun. If you can stomach the animal violence it’s worth a watch.

Don't Go Near the Park (1979)

Dir: Lawrence D. Foldes

Starring: Aldo Ray, Meeno Peluce, Tammy Taylor, Barbara Bain, Crackers Phinn, Linnea Quigley

Here’s another one of those awesomely bad films that should’ve disappeared a long time ago. However, Don’t Go Near the Park survives because of its inclusion on the DPP’s Video Nasty list. It does make you wonder what all the fuss was about because, not only is this a really amateur waste of space, but there’s nothing particularly ‘nasty’ about it at all.

The movie begins 12, 000 years ago as a brother and sister are condemned to an eternity of old age by a witch after murdering several children. Fast forward to the present day, and the prehistoric pair are reduced to feasting on the guts of children to reclaim some of their youth. They’ve waited centuries for the planets to align and must now sacrifice a 16-year old virgin to capture eternal youth.

No really, stay away.

The trouble with Don’t Go Near the Park is that it has such a convoluted narrative but doesn’t have a clue how to tell it. Therefore we get a very dull and confusing film. For instance we see the brother of the ageless siblings rent a room and then attack his landlady. The film then jumps to them getting married (what?) The story implies that he uses some sort of mind-control on the poor woman but this is not really explained well. Then the film jumps to her giving birth to their first child. The movie just doesn’t put the effort into letting the audience know what’s happening and leaves everyone scratching their heads as to what just occurred during this short sequence.



"What? Is there something on my face?"
The one and only Crackers Phinn.

 

This amateur form of storytelling inevitably brings up a few hilarious, and quite bizarre, moments. For instance, Sixteen-year-old Bondi (??) inexplicably hitches a ride with a group of creeps who attempt to rape her. Thanks to a necklace her father gave to her, she is teleported to safety while her
assailants’ van flies off a cliff and explodes (with the tow rope still clearly visible). Also, during the movie’s climax, it’s randomly decided that the villains have the ability to, like, shoot lasers from their eyes (!)

There’s also surprisingly little violence here. All we get is a few moments when the – let’s call them vampires – attack a few kids that wonder into the park (well they were warned) and have their guts ripped out in quite unconvincing style.

A gut-wrenching scene

Horror fans will recognise scream queen Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) as Bondi's mother.

Aside from the few surreal moments, there’s nothing to really recommend Don’t Go Near the Park. It’s a really boring film that’s extremely light on horror and devoid of any sort of suspense.  I generally enjoy watching films that fall into the ‘so-bad-they’re-good’ category, but there’s no fun to be had here. For the Nasties collectors, this is on the lower end of the scale. Don’t go near it.